Satan announces three-pronged attack upon humanity: Ebola, Isis and Nigel Farage

DAILY MAIL ONLINE: Here’s Mr Farage, showing all kinds of muscle.


Speaking at a UN conference last Tuesday, Mr L Satan said: “After the end of the Iraq War, I started to realise that Tony Blair just wasn’t enough. I knew I needed something to really screw them up. Not necessarily death-camp kind of evil, but certainly the kind of evil that restores your country to the middle ages in terms of social outlook and economic activity.”

When asked whether he was worried the British people would see through such a scheme, he chuckled mildly and added: “If you think Mr Farage will be foiled by such novices in the satanic arts as David Cameron and George Osbourne, then you are sadly mistaken. Their kind of evil is okay when you’re whipping your fag at Eton, but they’re playing with the big boys now.”

Mr Farage was said to have replied: “Of course I’m delighted to have been chosen for this exciting new role, and I look forward to working closely alongside my new colleagues-Ebola and ISIS – in order to screw up humanity. We’re meeting next week to brainstorm some ideas, but I’ve got a few started already: How about we install a flat rate of income tax? Surely my new employer, the honourable Mr L Satan will be most pleased with such a transparently self-serving idea? Right, toodle-oo, I’m off to open the award ceremony for Clacton ‘village idiot’- they hold the competition every four years, don’t you know, but this year they’ve had to cut it a bit short, as the former incumbent felt his allegiances were misdirected. Thank God he’s finally come to his senses, and joined the true lunatic party!”


UKIP causes mixed feelings to bubble up. Hope; that they might split a Conservative majority, handing a barely deserved victory to the Labour Party. The next is disgust, at their people, their ethics and their everything. If you had brought the parliament of 1600 into the 21st century, you’d have a collection of far more open-minded and sensible men than you’d have at a UKIP conference.

One thing that’s really interesting about their rise is the extent to which Tory donors have swung round to the right, effectively giving Cameron a kick up the ass for bringing his dirty, “modernising” ideas to a party still firmly under the grip of the aristocracy. Don’t get me wrong; I far prefer the rural gentry to some jumped up ‘entrepreneur’, but my opinion doesn’t decide the matter. Whether the Tory party is permanently broken, it remains to be seen. A part of me dares to hope that Osborne will end his days as a secretary, but the more cynical part of me can’t believe that a party which has stood for 4 centuries as a bulwark of vested interests and reactionism should be so easily dislodged from power.



There is International shock as hated government does NOT go to war to quell its problems


International commentators of all shapes and sizes waited with anticipation for David Cameron to go to war in Algeria.

Said one onlooker: ‘Throughout history this has been the pattern, hated leaders, just like David Cameron, have gone to war to gather support from their own people. We see no reason why this jumped-up Old Etonian should break the trend.’

This month the world had a minor stroke as David Cameron did not use the Mali crisis as a chance for war. After the mayhem of that particular incident all were expecting him to make his move now.

*What’s this?*

News just in folks, apparently David Cameron will not go to war to gain popularity. This won’t go down well with Niall Ferguson, I can tell you.

Well, its hard to tell when the international community will recover from this shock, readers, but it won’t be soon.

All around me there is panic and confusion, is this the sort of rebellious attitude we can expect from Cameron in months to come?

I certainly hope not.




David Cameron is a fool, and Nick Clegg is just pathetic

I’m in favour usually of increasing the time gap between the elections, to change the short-term nature of our political system, whereby everything is about getting re-elected and not doing useful things. But I find myself yearning for an end to the ridiculous pantomime that we now see in parliament. We are lead by two elitist neo-liberal idiots and a pathetic, whining liberal who is powerless to stop them. From this point of view the only way I can see of getting out of this mess is for Vince Cable to challenge Nick Clegg for leadership of the liberals, and forge some sort of alliance with the Green Party. And we must ban the myth in this country that the only vehicle for progressive thinking in Great Britain is the Labour Party. For that is lead by the unthinkably laughable Ed Miliband, or ‘Milibean’ as he is jokingly referred to in Private Eye. The Labour Party has been as Tory as the Tories ever since Tony Blair screwed things up. The rise of UKIP is worrying, although it could be worse, the Conservative Party could be losing its right-wing to the BNP. At least UKIP isn’t openly racist. They are, as David Cameron brilliantly called them, ‘closet racists’.

Ever since Margaret Thatcher this country has been obsessed with neo-liberalism, even though it has actually slowed growth down, and any growth that we did get was uneven and increased inequality to unacceptable levels.

Now is the time to……OCCUPY CUPBOARD!!!!!